1000-This Dog Cracks Me Up

Inspired by Night Watchman by Vlad-off-kru on DeviantArt


“Boss! Boss wake up! BoooOOoOsss!”

Boss snorfuled and shifted his arms, covering his head. Dog changed tactics, and began sniffing around Boss’s jacket. “Boss, boss. Booos bosss.” Dog hummed happily. Boss had a couple of treats on him, little cracker bits he’d either forgotten about, or meant to give Dog later.

“Cum’mon Boss! Wake up! I’m huuuungry Boss! It’s morning Boss! We gotta get up!”

Boss rolled up into a ball and remained firmly and resolutely on the ground.

“Oh.” Dog said. He sighed. Maybe it wasn’t time to get up then. He plopped down next to Boss and laid his head across Boss’s curled side. The sun was coming up. Soon it would start warming the cold sidewalk. That’d be nice to nap in. Maybe today was a nap day?

The air was still. Only a few scents wafted on it. That was alright. They were napping by the back of a place where bread was made, and that smelled plenty good. Dog got up and sniffed around the metal door again. This was one of the sort that went up and down instead of side to side. It sure did smell good.

“Boss, you should get up and smell this stuff. It smells great!”

“Dog. Sleeping.” Boss grumbled.

Dog lowered his ears, mortified. “Sorry Boss.” He whispered.

Boss grunted.

Dog was relieved. He wandered over to the other end of the door to sniff that. Then he sniffed at the air and sniffed up the street a bit. There were noises coming from the bakery now, but not from much else on the street. Cars were starting up somewhere a few blocks over. Someone was yelling at someone else.

A few streets down, someone shouted, “Hey! Hey! This is my lawn!”

Dog wagged his tail. Maybe they could go visit later!

Dog skipped back to Boss, and remembered just in time that Boss was trying to sleep. Dog sighed and sat back down, resting his head on Boss’s side. But then all he could see was the bakery door. He got up, walked around to the other side, and then rested his head so he could see the street stretching away on either side.

There. That was better.

A person was coming! A young woman! She wasn’t carrying any food though. She came around the corner.

“HI!” Dog said, leaping up and wagging his tail in welcome. “Hi! Wanna hang out!”

The young woman jumped. Dog ran over.

“Hi! Are you okay? Do you have any food?”

She backed away a few steps, so Dog thought she was going to take him to food, but then she put her hand down so he could smell it. He did.

“Wow lady, you smell nice.”

She scratched his ears, so he leaned against her and wagged his tail. “Thanks lady! You should do that more. I like being scratched behind the ears.”

She kept scratching, and she said something friendly.

“Wow, you are nice! I like nice people. My boss is nice! He’s very nice. You should scratch his ears too!”

After a few more moments the lady stopped scratching him and started walking further down the street. Dog walked with her. “Ooh, lady, did you smell the bakery? You should do that. OOh, this is the hat shop. Did you smell the hat shop? It smells like leather. I like leather. OOOoOOhOOOhOOOhhhh, did you smell that breeze? I think that was a sausage! Where do you think the sausage is? Hey, lady, don’t go that far, that’s too far. Oh. But. Bye lady! Bye lady! Byyyyeeeee! Have a nice daaaaaay!”

He wagged at her until she rounded the corner out of sight. Dog skipped back to Boss. Boss had uncurled slightly, and he was snoring softly in the warming sunlight.

“Hey Boss, I meet a real nice lady she scratched my ears!”

“That’s nice.” Boss growled.

“What’s wrong?” Dog asked. “Are you jealous because she didn’t scratch your ears?” Dog sniffed around Boss, and then started to lick his face. “I’ll do it for you!”

“Dog! Trying to sleep!” Boss said, shifting his arms to cover his face again.

“Oh, yeah, right.” Dog dropped himself next to Boss again, laying his head across his folded paws. He sighed. Right. Sleeping. Sleeeeeping. Sleeping. Sleeee–

Oh! Was that a cat?!?

Dog jumped to his feet and began to shout. “Hey cat! Hey cat, are you okay? Hey cat, come here!”

The cat wobbled and fell off the roof.

Dog blinked, silenced by his shock. He’d never knocked a cat off a roof before! Never in his whole life!

“Wooooow! Boss! I am so coooool!”

The cat had landed on its feet, but it wasn’t walking away. It just sat there.

“Hey cat!” Dog shouted. “Are you okay?”

The cat just glared at him.

“Uh-oh. Cat?” Dog said, in a more normal tone. He wandered over, sniffing. “I didn’t mean to hurt you cat. Are you okay? I am sorry I knocked you off the roof.”

The cat slapped his nose. “Don’t get that close to me! Back the hell off!”

“Woooh Cat.” Dog backed up a few steps. “Chill out! I was just making sure you are okay. You are okay?” He sniffed from his few steps away. The cat did not smell okay.

“Cat, you smell kind of sick.”

Cat cussed at him.

Dog lowered his ears. “Cum’mon Cat! You are not well! My boss could help you. He always makes me feel better when I am sick.” Dog looked Cat over again. Cat hadn’t walked away yet. “Let me take you to my boss. He is very smart. He can help you out. We are by the bakery. Have you smelled the bakery? It smells very good.”

Cat cussed at him again.

“Okay Cat. I will go away. I will be right over here if you need me! Just let me know!” Dog was worried. “I am very sorry I knocked you off the roof! Please let me help you, okay?”

Cat swiped at him, so Dog slunk away, back to Boss.

“Booss, Boss, I knocked a cat off the roof and now Cat won’t move and I think Cat is sick or maybe hurt or not good or maybe I hurt it when I knocked it off the roof and I’m really sorry but Cat doesn’t want help but Cat is hurt! I’m sorry boss! I’m sorry!”

“Okay, okay!” Boss sat up, glaring.

“Sorry.” Dog dropped his ears and flopped onto the ground, depressed. Life was awful. He was a terrible dog.

Boss sighed and shifted his jackets around. “Hey, I’ll go look at the cat, okay? I’m sure you didn’t hurt it.” He said it all nicely.

Dog perked up. “Will you really? You watch out though boss, Cat is a mean cat.”

“I’ll be careful.” Boss said. Boss patted him on the head. “You just be quiet, okay? I don’t want the cat to be startled.”

“Okay Boss! Okay!” Dog said happily, then he heard his voice echo off the street. “Oops.” He said quietly. He lept up, and whispered, “I’ll be quiet, okay!”

“Good.” Boss said. “Now watch the stuff, okay?”

“Okay! Okay Boss!” Dog sat next to Boss’ backpack, excited to be helping already!

“Quietly!” Boss reminded him.

Dog whispered, “Right!”

Boss moved slowly across the street, coo-ing quietly to Cat.

“Hello cat.” Boss said. “Hello. Can I come closer too you?” Boss held out his hand and waited.

Cat did not stand up to sniff him. It just reached out its face.

“You’re human.” Cat said, oddly unhappy about this fact, instead of ecstatic.

“Yeah. Sorry.” Boss said.

Cat sniffed for another moment. Then it said, “Got any food?”

“Nope.” Boss said.

“Boss!” Dog said. “You’ve got crackers in your pocket!”

Cat glared at him. Dog lowered his ears. Right, he’d forgotten about being quiet! Everyone would hate him now forever! FOREVER!!! SAAAAAADS!!!!!

“Thank you for reminding me, dog.” Boss said.

Yeaaaay!!!! Everyone did not hate him!!! Dog perked up, twamping his tail. But he remembered to be quiet, because he was a very smart dog.

“I can get you some later though.” Boss said to Cat. “Can I look at your leg?”

“Fine.” Cat said. Wow. Boss was so lucky, he got to look at Cat’s leg! Not everyone got to do that!

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