This was actually inspired by some fan-art that I can no longer find.
Points if you can guess the movie!
The sorcerer raised his hands, huge black sleeves billowing out like luffing sails. Purple fire flared along his arms and out of his eyes.
“And now, Kansas McKay, you DIE!”
Kansas McKay pulled his famous pistols from their well used holsters, shouting, “We’ll see about that, you evil bass–”
The sorcerer sighed and lower his arms. For a moment, his face was on fire. Then the tech guy flipped off the light. Kansas stood from his crouch and put his pistols away, rubbing the back of his bright red head.
“What was that?” The director stormed onto to the set and started waving a finger under Kansas’ nose.
“Sorry George. I forgot his name.”
George got louder. “You FORGOT his name? We’ve been doing this movie all summer and you FORGOT THE NAME of your main adversary?”
Kansas took a half step back, bringing his hand down across his belly, clutching the other elbow. “Eerr, a bit, yeah.”
“So you called him a fish!”
“Errr… Yeah.” Kansas said.
The sorcerer lifted a hand to hide his smirk. He knew a cut off curse word when he heard one. But that would have been a different lecture. (“You want this movie to be adults only? You want to get no business from our main market! This is supposed to be a family show!”)
George walked off the stage, shaking his head like an angry terrier. “Alright, from the top!”
Kansas looked around, eyes wide, forehead curled, as everyone moved back to position.
“That means you, Miss Petersburg!”
“Hmm?” Lilly looked up from her book. “Oh.” She sighed and put the paperback down on the grody linoleum, set her glasses down on top of that and walked back onto the set, putting her hair back up into the little twin buns as she came (one of them had ‘fallen out’ again).
“It’s ‘Doctor Wuu’.” The sorcerer whispered, with a wink, as returned to the platform which lifted him up from the cellar.
“Thanks Mike.” Kansas whispered back.
Lilly sat down on the rug on set and put her hands behind her. A couple of techs ran up and tied her arms back. “Don’t forget to roll your sleeves down.” She said to Kansas.
“Thanks Amy.” He nodded and stepped back into the doorway, rolling the precisely tattered shirtsleeves over the full-arm tribal tattoos. (It was carefully applied India ink. George wasn’t paying enough for real tattoos.)
“Shut the DOOR, Kansas!” George heckled.
Kansas shut the door.
“Alright, from the top!” George commanded again.
“Scene thirty-three, Take forty-three.” One of the tech guys drawled. “Action.”
Kansas McKay kicked open the door. It hit the wall with a bang. He strode in, eyes flashing from left to right, bright red hair scaring away shadows. His fingers lingered around his holsters, looking for any sign of his—
Kansas winced. “Sorry!” He called.
“You’re breaking into the stronghold of your friggin’ arch-nemesis, Paul! Wear the right face, would you!”
“Yeah George, sorry!” Kansas called again, closing the door behind him as he moved back to his place.
“Scene thirty-three, take forty-FOUR. Action!”
Kansas McKay slammed the door open with a firm kick, rattling the hinges. He prowled in, a hunter of the west, hands hovering about his holsters. A panther, claws nearly out, sniffing for his darkest enemy.
“Kansas!” Lilly cried, high voice wavering between hope and fear. It settled on fear. “Kansas, it’s a trap! You’ve got to run!”
A harsh rattling clonk behind him, Kansas spun. But too late! The bars had slammed down! A slithering hiss, and the lights flickered. The shadows grew darker.
Kansas was at Lilly in an instant. He pulled her to her feet.
“Oh Kansas!” She cried in a high falsetto. “This is all my fault!”
“Stay here.” Kansas said firmly, trying to calm her down despite the pressure of the ticking clock. “I’ll be back soon!” Kansas strode toward the back of the room, slamming through another door.
The walls were black as night, black as the heart of Doctor Wuu!
Mad laughter echoed around the building. A tall, round headdress rose from the floor, followed by a long face with black mustaches growing on the lines of the cheek and lips.
“I had never dreamed things would go this well!” The man rising from the floor laughed madly. “The great Kansas McKay, blundering into my trap!”
“Only to pull out the spring!” Kansas said smoothly, hands resting on his pistols now.
“Silly fool! I have ascended! No poor pistol can hurt me now!” He laughed again, and the light in the room flared purple. For a moment it seemed that his very breath was purple fire.
Kansas was momentarily stunned.
“What the hell, Paul!” George shouted from off stage. “CUT!”
Kansas slumped. Doctor Wuu gave him a tired, but sympathetic, smile.
“Sorry George!” Kansas called. “Just stumbled over the line.”
“You didn’t even START the line! How can you stumble over it if you didn’t even start it?”
“I mean…” Kansas shut his mouth. “Sorry George.”
“Not sure what the problem is.” Doctor Wuu whispered, rolling his eyes. “I mean, ‘My pistol’s aren’t poor, they won the lottery OF DEATH.’ is a perfectly reasonable line.” The sarcasm was heavy, even in whisper mode.
Kansas winced. “I mean, after ‘Only to pull out the spring!’…”
“Are we ready to go AGAIN?” George shouted.
“No.” Lilly said calmly, from the set. She hadn’t even made it off stage yet. “I want to finish this damn chapter.”
“Amy! You are supposed to be WORKING! If that is too much for you, I can find another Lilly!”
Lilly stepped off the set, snorting and reaching up to her little buns. “Hmm, yeah. You can change the script, so someone other then Lilly gets kidnapped. Course, you’ll have to re-do the scene where Lilly explains how her presence is essential to the whole damn plot. What with, you know, the whole ‘blood of the celestial being’ thing.”
“I’m glad someone knows what’s going on.” Dr. Wuu whispered, as he and Kansas migrated to the edge of the set to watch the show.
“Wait, what celestial being?” Kansas asked quietly. “Kansas kills a celestial being?”
“No, no.” Doctor Wuu explained. “Amy’s the celestial being. Reincarnated. Or something.”
“Descendant of.” One of the tech guys whispered, as he slipped in to fix the hinges.
“OooOooh.” Kansas nodded to them appreciatively. “That explains…” He trailed off. “Nope, never mind.”